


Once I’m Asleep

by iamliterallyahotpocket



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: (sort of), Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depersonalization, Dongho Is A Sweetheart, Everyone Is Gay, Fake Scandals, Hair Dyeing, Headaches & Migraines, I probably missed something oops, I'm Sorry, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, I’d like to personally apologize to Jaewon and maybe Jjolee as well, Jaewon Gets Headpats, Jaewon smells like vanilla 24/7, Junsu is gay and has a cute boyfriend, Literal Sleeping Together, Mega Sad Boi Hours, Memory Issues, MinDae Causing (wholesome) Chaos, Minsoo is Trying His Best, Original Character(s), Other, Platonic Cuddling, Poor Babey, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Sharing Clothes, Sharing a Bed, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, THIS IS A CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER, also sorry for making dae seem like an asshole that Was Not my intention, daehyun - Freeform, implied/referenced eating disorder, jk jk.... unless?, like two lesbians and some hairstylists, no beta we die like Major Characters, no happy ending, ok how about some wholesome tags, or do we, please just give him a hug, that’s all folx, they have lesbian roommates, unfortunately the coffee gang doesn’t show up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:21:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27294127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamliterallyahotpocket/pseuds/iamliterallyahotpocket
Summary: Jaewon’s tired. It feels like the world weighs on his thin shoulders nowadays, and he can’t do anything to fix it.Maybe it’ll be better if he sleeps.————aka the Mega Whump that the LiT Fic Discord got to hear me scream about for two weeks because it just kept getting longer.
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kang Dongho | D.Min, Junsu/Lee Taehyuk, Kang Dongho | D.Min & Kim Daehyun & Lee Minsoo, Kim Daehyun/Minyoung (Lost in Translation)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 80





	Once I’m Asleep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [i_was_human](https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/gifts).



> Hi please be sure to read the tags this is Not a happy fic.
> 
> I’d like to personally apologize to Jaewon.... im so sorry bb ily

The wet summer heat makes Jaewon's shirt cling to his body as he walks onto the roof of the apartment complex, sweat already beading on his forehead. It's unnaturally hot for the time of year. As far back as he can remember, early June has never been this bad.

One week to the anniversary, he thinks bitterly, taking a seat on the somewhat-cooler tiles that cover the roof.

———

Three years ago, it had been the week before his debut, and he had been so anxious that his hands hadn't stopped shaking until he walked off stage after MAYHEM’s debut performance.

Two years ago, he had been preparing for MAYHEM’s first anniversary celebration: a fansigning. With his reputation already tanking, it was hard to feel excited, knowing very well that the majority of the Mayniacs in attendance wouldn't be the biggest fans of him.

Last year, rehearsals for MAYHEM’s second anniversary concert were in full swing, and exactly a week before the concert, Jaewon had been pulled into the CEO's office, handed a hotel keycard, and given brief instructions on what to do that evening before getting shoved into a company car and driven to the hotel.

He'd then been treated like a doll: picture-perfect clothing handed to him, flawless makeup patted onto his face. The photos from that night were still trending a week later, photos that made chills run through Jaewon's entire being. They weren't of him. They were of some playboy idol wearing a dress shirt that cost far too much and latex pants that had taken far too long to put on (how did he know, though? It’s not him in the photos) and he was flirting with a girl who's face was oh-so-conveniently blurred.

The applause for him at that concert was, to put it nicely, polite at best. A part of Jaewon wished that hate had been screamed at him instead. He'd already grown used to their hate, so maybe it wouldn't have hurt as much.

———

This year's anniversary was supposed to be bigger than any concert MAYHEM had held before.

"It's all because of you, Wyld! Didn't I tell you? Mayhem might finally get out of debt if you keep this up!"

The CEO stood in front of his wall of windows, hands waving gleefully. Jaewon couldn't bother to look at him. His eyes were locked on the TV screen, the one full of photos of him that somehow had all been taken within the past year.

Him with a gentle hand on a girl's shoulder. Him being guided to a taxi by some guy he never did find out the name of. Him kissing a girl on the cheek. Him pressed against the wall at some club, making out with a guy. Him leaving a hotel, clubbing outfit still on, hickeys on his neck.

They were all so plasticky and fake it made him feel sick. Every single person was an actor, all paid to go to a club and look pretty and flirt with him for the cameras. The bruises he had were fake as well, always waking up at some ungodly hour after being told to sleep at a hotel to let in unfamiliar stylists who never said anything, and instead busied themselves with pigments in reds and pinks and purples and blues to make it seem as if Wyld was just as wild as his name suggested.

He gave a polite smile to the CEO, thanked him for "furthering Mayhem’s career," and left, some fake expression still plastered to his face when he got into the taxi to go home. Or, if not home, then at least to the dorm.

———

At some point during the past year, Jaewon's relationships with his bandmates had fallen back to how it was after debut, after his first scandals. The only difference was that they were hyper-critical of him now, seemingly always waiting for him to slip up. But despite all the horrible recent memories he had, Jaewon still clung to whatever pleasant moments he could remember.

One morning stuck out in particular, not necessary because of what had actually happened at the time; rather, it was the aftermath that made the memory a nicer one. The morning in question had been after the first photos of him with a guy had been posted. Daehyung and Dongho were nowhere to be seen when Jaewon walked out of his room, but Minsoo was sat at the kitchen table, two mugs of coffee set out. It was what Minsoo did when he wanted to discuss something more serious with any of his bandmates.

"Sit down. I need to talk with you." Minsoo wasn't yelling, nor was he visibly upset. In fact, he wasn't looking at Jaewon at all, but his voice was shaky, something very un-Minsoo of him.

"Hyung, were you crying?"

"Jaewon-ah, please sit down. We need to talk. About the... the photos."

_he hates me now, doesn't he. he doesn't want someone like me in his group._

Reluctantly, Jaewon took the seat across from Minsoo, pulling the cup of coffee towards him.

Minsoo sipped from his mug and cleared his throat before staring at Jaewon. "So. You're... pan? Bi?"

It knocks him off guard, fully expecting something entirely more hateful to be asked. “Uh... I haven't... really thought about it?" Jaewon laughed nervously. He wasn't lying, he really hadn't. The question of whether or not he'd be willing to be photographed with a guy had been asked, and he'd said yes. No more thought had seemed necessary.

"You could have talked to me about it, Jaewon. I'm your hyung, aren't I? Just because I'm your leader as well doesn't mean I'll snitch everything you tell me to the company." Minsoo sighed, and took another sip of his coffee. "That is why you don't talk to me about stuff, right?"

"What?"

Minsoo frowned. "You and Dongho have obviously talked about something together. Once we moved into the dorms you two were kinda buddy-buddy for a while, and then you and Dae got closer as well- which makes sense, you two are roommates. I just figured that you didn't talk to me about anything serious because you already have the company on you, like, 24/7."

Jaewon shifted uncomfortably in his chair, gripping his mug closer. "No, that-that's not why."

"Then why?"

"I- didn't think you were... okay. With all that."

Minsoo frowned, brows knit together. "With what? The scandals or- oh." He stared up at Jaewon again, eyes obviously red and puffy. "You... thought I'd kick you out. For liking guys.”

Jaewon's voice could hardly be more than a whisper. "Yeah."

"That's not going to happen, Jaewon. I'm sorry if anything I've said has come across like that, either.” Minsoo’s voice is so pained, guilt tinting every syllable. He sighs. “In all honesty, I thought you were the only straight one in Mayhem."

"Oh. I can see- wait, you three are gay?" Jaewon questioned, shocked.

"Yes? Kinda? The other two are fine with me telling you, but anyway. Daehyun's pan and Dongho's gay. Oh, I'm bi. Probably should have started with that," Minsoo laughed.

"Oh!" Jaewon breathed a sigh of relief. "That's nice to know."

"So, about you. Do you wanna talk about it right now? Or we can wait for the other two to get home. Either's fine with me."

"We can talk now. I'd- I'd like that."

Once Daehyun and Dongho had returned and were fully filled in on the situation, Jaewon found himself slipping into their conversations much more easily, cracking jokes and laughing along with them.

For once, he really felt like he was fully a part of the team.

———

Just as quickly as their friendship had pieced together, it all went to shit.

Jaewon's own memory of the event was blurry, but the details were spelled out online. He had "hooked up" with another idol backstage at an awards show.

It had been planned out by their companies, of course. The girl needed press coverage that wasn't about her predebut photos; photos that were still circulating and giving her negative press a year and a half after their release, and CEO Park wanted to shift the spotlight off of Wyld’s male flings, a subject that was being heavily discussed on social media.

Of course, it just had to be Minyoung. The same Minyoung that Daehyun had been crushing on since middle school, the one that Jaewon had attempted to reconnect with Dae. And they were being asked to get caught coming out of a closet together.

The photos didn't make it online until the day after the show. Daehyun slept in, much to Jaewon’s relief, but even as he sat at the table with Dongho and Minsoo he could feel their eyes on him.

Then Daehyun came stomping out of the room, phone clutched in his left hand. "What the fuck, Jaewon? What were you fucking thinking!"

"Dae, I-"

"Shut the fuck up! You know I like her, I have since middle school! What made you think that this is okay?"

Dongho raked his hand through his hair and sighed. "Daehyun, let's talk this out."

Daehyun laughed, almost hysterical. "Oh, you're siding with him? What has he done to deserve that?"

"Dongho was just asking for us to deal with this how we normally deal with things of this nature, he's-"

"For fuck's sake, Minsoo! This isn't just Jaewon's everyday scandal that we're 'used to dealing with' or whatever, he hooked up with my crush! He knows I like her, you all know I like her!"

Minsoo pursed his lips, frowning. "I agree, this is definitely a different situation to deal with. I haven't heard Jaewon's side of the story, though."

"Why does that matter? He's just going to lie about it."

"The media is going to lie about it, Daehyun." Dongho frowned again, now scrolling through an article about the scandal in question. “Go ahead, Jaewon. What happened."

Daehyun groaned and angrily sat down across the table from Jaewon.

"I- we didn't... hook up, ok? I know that's what it looks like, but really, we didn't do anything like that."

Daehyun frowned, lips shaking. "Oh, just like that time at the restaurant, huh? You know, the one where Minyoung kissed you and then you left because you 'felt sick' or something stupid like that?"

"You felt sick because a girl kissed you? That's..." Minsoo trailed off, face twisted as he tried to piece the "facts" together.

Dongho cleared his throat. "Just to be clear, you aren't dating Minyoung, are you?"

"No! No, I wouldn't."

Daehyun's phone thunked against the table. "But you'd make out with her in a closet. What kind of logic is that?"

"I-"

"Don't even try to tell me you didn't make out with her. As far as I'm concerned, you're full of bullshit." Daehyun stood up, chair dragging against the floor.

Minsoo sighed. "Where are you going?"

"I dunno. Away from him."

"We're supposed to be resting, Dae-"

"Just let him go, Minsoo."

Daehyun's footsteps echoed through the apartment, and so did his slam of the door.

"Why did you want to let him go?"

"It was either going to be that or having to listen to him yell all sorts of shit at Jaewon. He gets enough of that already, he doesn't need it from a bandmate." Dongho, who was still reading the article, rolled his eyes and turned off his phone. "So, Jaewon, what was this: a misunderstanding like your first few scandals, or is this the same as your last couple?"

"Wait, his first scandals were misunderstandings?"

Dongho shrugged. "Yeah? That's what he told me, at least. And it makes sense. You remember what he was like right after debut, do you really think he'd go and try to get with someone?"

"I mean, no? But if this comes down to his word... I'm sorry to say this, Jaewon, but I'm having a hard time believing that."

Jaewon nodded, trying his best to keep a poker face. "It's ok. I get it. I... please excuse me."

The other two did nothing to stop him from leaving. Jaewon clambered up the bunk ladder and sank against his pillows. Between the drama and his self-imposed diet, he was far too tired to bother doing anything but sleep.

The companies released statements about the situation. Both said something similar that went along the lines of, “what our artists do with their private lives is not our business, nor is it yours.”

Thankfully, that managed to shift some attention off of him, and instead onto attacking the tabloids that published the photos. By the end of the week, the situation was almost forgotten by the public.

Daehyun didn’t forget, though. He was normally so sweet, always looking out for the others, but now he was snappy and sullen, especially towards Jaewon. He was going out almost nightly, always to some cafe or restaurant, but he’d always say something about “not pulling a Wyld.” It should’ve stung him just a bit, but Jaewon didn’t care anymore.

Minsoo, too, was harsher than usual. During practice he’d focus on Jaewon, and make him run his parts over and over and over again, always finding something to critique. It made sense, in some sort of twisted way: Jaewon fucked up. He had to be on his best behavior now, and that included perfect run-throughs at practice.

Dongho wasn’t much different than usual. He always came off as a bit cold, and now was no different. Still, he’d joke and laugh with the others, and Jaewon always missed the punchline. It was fine, though. It’s how they were after debut, he’d join them again. Eventually.

He’d hoped it be normal after the photos were leaked of Daehyun and Minyoung on a date, or maybe even after they officially announced that they were dating.

But it didn’t. Daehyun, in some cheesy video that he did with his now-girlfriend, confessed that he’d had a crush on her since middle school. And he just had to tack on the fact that the rest of MAYHEM knew.

It was the day before a live music show performance, too. The performance turned out fine, the behind-the-scenes photos that got posted to their Instagram turned out fine, and yet Jaewon remembered nothing from that day, nor the rest of the week.

He didn’t tell anyone about the lapse in memory. They wouldn’t believe him, anyway.

———

It was a week before the third anniversary when Jaewon walked up to the room and laid down on the cool tiling. He stared up at the stars and cried, broken promises and harsh words and hateful glances all still pushing down on his far too thin shoulders. It was the night that he decided he had had enough.

It was six days before the third anniversary when Jaewon fainted in the dorm’s living room, when he blamed it on the heat and dehydration but Dongho refused to believe him. He got cornered in the kitchen that evening and Dongho grabbed his arm and made it painfully obvious to Jaewon that he was much thinner than he should be. After all, Dongho’s hand really shouldn’t have been able to wrap that far around his forearm.

It was five days before the third anniversary when Jaewon went shopping. It was mostly to just get out of the dorm, where Dongho kept hounding on him to eat something and Minsoo kept putting bottles of water next to him and Daehyun ignored him, texting Minyoung instead (even though they had decided to just stay friends, the two were still very close).

He was sick of it, he preferred them yelling at him or even just flat out ignoring him, and then as he walked through the mall, bag hanging from his arm, someone called his name.

“Jaewon?”

And _oh_. It was his mom. A few of her friends sat at a small table near the cafe, glancing over towards them.

“Hi... mom. What are you doing here?”

“I told you I’d be coming to Seoul a few weeks ago, didn’t I?”

She had, in fact, told him. Jaewon’s memory had just failed him again.

“So. You’re an idol?”

“I was going to tell you, but then-“

“The scandals? I’d never believe them, Jae. You’re my son, I know you better than anybody. I’m just a bit... disappointed, I guess, that you didn’t tell me.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, mom, I-“

“You don’t need to apologize. I understand. Here, I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

Jaewon can only nod, and wave as his mom heads back to her table of friends. He should be happy or relieved to finally get rid of that secret, but all he can focus on is the fact that he disappointed his mom.

He goes back to the dorms far earlier than he planned and beelines for his room, ignoring Dongho asking if he’s hungry. Instead, he crashes into his mattress and tries to forget what he had to hear his mom say.

All she said was that she was disappointed, but Jaewon heard that he failed.

———

Four days before MAYHEM’s third anniversary concert, Jaewon looked into the bathroom mirror and had never hated his hair more.

It was impulsive, absolutely nothing like him, but he texted Junsu.

**Junsu!**

You 8:43am

I think i want to dye my hair

Junsu! 8:50am

ill help you.

what color do you want

You 8:52 am

idk something blueish?

but dark enough to be black?

Junsu! 8:53 am

yea yea sounds good.

ill text you my address later

Normally, Jaewon would never consider going behind the stylists’ backs like this. But he had decided that he had less than a week left, and he wanted to spend those days as himself for once.

Three days before the third anniversary concert, Jaewon woke up at eight in the morning, got dressed, and left the dorm. Junsu had told him to be at his apartment by noon, but Jaewon refused to spend anymore time than necessary in the dorm.

He instead spent his morning drifting in and out of cafes and sipping at americanos, occasionally checking his notifications on the off-chance he’d find something other than hate. He never did.

Finally, it was 11:30, and Jaewon hopped onto the subway route that would get him close to Junsu’s place. It’s a little outside of Gangnam, three stops down the line from Coffee Temple. When Jaewon steps back out from the underground tunnels of the train, he’s greeted by a lovely picturesque neighborhood, small stores lining the streets.

He follows the instructions from his phone on how to get to the address Junsu gave him, and winds up in front of a somewhat tall, blocky building. The lobby’s covered in light wood and dark stone flooring, and after riding the elevator up to the fourth floor, Jaewon finds that every floor has the same stone hexagon tiling on the floor.

Nervously, Jaewon knockes on door 307. When he first met Junsu, the older said he didn't have a home, so to be invited over a little less than a year later was something Jaewon had been happy to hear.

Junsu answers quickly, hair messier than normal and a loose black tank top hanging from his slim frame. "Come on in, slip your shoes off, nobody's home at the moment. I've got the dye in the bathroom."

"Thanks, Junsu. I can pay you back if-"

"Nope. Not gonna happen. This is just as fun for me as it is for you, I haven't gotten to dye my hair in a while."

Jaewon pauses, letting the door swing shut behind him. "Are you not allowed to have weird hair while working?"

Junsu scoffs. "Nah. My hair felt more like plastic than hair, so I've been giving it a break for the past couple years." He glances over Jaewon's outfit and frowns. "Did you bring a change of clothes or anything?"

"Was I supposed to?"

"I didn't tell you to, so no, but wearing a white shirt is not a good idea when working with hair dye. C'mon, I'll grab you something else."

Junsu takes off away from the door and Jaewon follows him further into the apartment, into a decently sized bedroom across the hallway from a white-tiled bathroom. As the barista digs into a dresser drawer, Jaewon glances around at the organized clutter that fills the room.

The bed was made, with two sets of pillows fluffed against the headboard. To the right of the bed was a nightstand that's very obviously Junsu's, a tub of tattoo healing cream and a pack of cigarettes balanced precariously next to a minimalistic black alarm clock and a cluster of empty coffee cans. The other holds a stack of books, all well-worn, each with bookmarks sticking out and a small grouping of partly-melted candles. There's photo frames too, the largest appearing to hold a photo of Junsu alongside another man with caramel-brown hair.

"You snooping through my boyfriend's stuff?"

"Oh! No, I just wasn't sure if that was you in that photo," Jaewon explained, flustered.

"I'm just joking. Here, this should fit you well enough. I'll get everything set up in the bathroom while you change."

Junsu hands over a soft grey shirt and leaves the room. It smelled faintly of coffee, something that made a lot of sense considering Junsu's line of work. Jaewon quickly pulled his jacket and his shirt off, slipping on the borrowed one before heading across the hallway.

He found Junsu mixing some sort of concoction together in a black hairdye bowl, a bubbly girl group song playing on the speaker precariously balanced on one of the shelves. Junsu glances up for a second when Jaewon walks in. “Does it fit you well?" If he notices how slim Jaewon’s wrists are, he doesn’t mention it.

"Yeah. Thanks, Junsu." Jaewon stared at the plastic bowl Junsu was fussing over. "That smells horrible. What is it?"

Junsu nods towards an empty packet discarded on the counter. "Color remover. It mean I don't have to bleach the shit out of your hair."

"Thanks. My hair's dead enough as it is," Jaewon laughs half-heartedly. "So, when’dyou meet your boyfriend? Recently?”

"A month or two after you and I met, actually. Funny story. We both had tattoo appointments at the same time with the same artist: he accidentally triple booked, but that's another story. So Taehyuk and I decided to get a drink or two together, we went back here- this is kinda his apartment, legally, but who cares- and he ended up asking me to move in the next day." Junsu laughed at the memory for a moment.

"What do you mean it's "kinda his apartment?" Does he not rent it or something?"

"Nah. He and his ex-girlfriend rented it together, they both realized they swung the other way, so now Taehyuk and I are roommates with his ex and her girlfriend. Fiance? I can't remember."

"Wow! You guys all get along?"

"For the most part, yeah. I make sure to bring enough iced coffee home, and Taehyuk does the cooking- well, usually. We unfortunately end up eating a lot of takeout. The girls are really busy, chief financial advisors or something, so it's the least we can do." Junsu gave a final stir to the concoction of color remover and developer. "Sit next to the bathtub, Jae. I'll sit behind you."

Jaewon carefully settled himself on the floor, nerves tingling. He was going to be in trouble for this.

"Oh, you’ve got a concert this weekend, don't you?"

"Yeah," Jaewon groaned.

"What will your stylists think, Jaewon? Dyeing your hair by yourself two days before a performance?" Junsu sighs sarcastically, beginning to swipe the foul-smelling goop onto the dyed red strands of hair in front of him.

"I'm tired of it. The red. It's been three years, for fucks sake." Jaewon clenched his jaw angrily. "Everyone else gets new hair colors- Dongho's got platinum blond hair, for crying out loud! It took seven hours for his hair to get that light! But no, they "don't have time" to change mine."

Junsu grimaces. "Ooh, that's rough. Just... checking, this isn't because of me saying red doesn't suit you?"

"Oh, no! I never wanted red hair anyway. Makes it look like I'm bleeding whenever I shower.”

“And so you came to the Junsu home salon.” Junsu craned his neck to glance at the package of hair dye. "The stuff I bought will probably stain your hair. Doesn't fade too much, it's the same brand I used to get mine back to black. It also doesn’t bleed too much color when you shower, so that’s nice.”

"That is nice."

The two fell into a comfortable silence, Junsu continuing to brush the color remover onto Jaewon's hair, Jaewon zoning out and half-listening to the music. The other half of his brain was running at 100 miles an hour, thinking about the stupid plan he had in place.

_I'm sorry Junsu. I'll miss you._

"Well, I've got that stuff on all your hair." Junsu stood up and walked to check the packaging again. "It has to sit for... 15 to 40 minutes depending on how bright your hair is." He squinted at Jaewon's hair, all bundled up on the top of his head. "40 minutes it is. Let's get drinks."

———

When it comes time to bleach Jaewon’s hair, Junsu impulsively decides to dye a strip of his bangs blond, refusing to admit where he got the inspiration from.

"Either you're secretly a girl group stan or you like really buff dudes. Both are fine, of course, but I just want to know the truth!" Jaewon’s sitting on the floor again, his hair a pinkish-orange after the color remover. He’s 95% sure that the mixture of sugar, caffeine, and the chemicals undoubtedly drifting through the air are what’s causing him and Junsu to act just a little more crazy than usual.

"You move your head too much when you talk. I'm gonna end up getting this shit on your scalp if you keep it up," Junsu threatened, a bowl of bleach in hand. "This will definitely burn if it gets on your skin, so shut it for now. And no, I will not tell you what groups I like, Jae."

Jaewon pouts. "Aw, come on."

"Not. A. Chance."

“Do you like Mayhem?”

“...you can’t just ask me if I like your group.”

“Are you going to answer?”

“No. Now shut up before I bleach your scalp.”

Once Junsu’s done brushing the bleach onto Jaewon's hair, the two sat in the kitchen for thirty minutes, snacking on whatever was stocked in the pantry and browsing social media.

"Anything happening that I should be concerned about?" Junsu had one hand in a box of crackers, the other scrolling through Instagram.

"Thankfully no scandals. Mostly excitement for the concert, and then the normal stuff."

Junsu pauses, a cracker hanging out of his mouth. “What’s the normal stuff?”

Jaewon stifles a laugh and scrolls back to a prime example of the ‘normal stuff.’ “Dongho-hyung gets asked for shirtless pics nearly everyday, and people have started asking the rest of us as well.”

“Well damn. Dongho’s the scary one?”

“He’s buff, not scary.”

“Sure, whatever. No hate or anything?”

“Nope!” Jaewon’s lying. Hate is part of the normal stuff.

"That's good. Your hair will probably trend on Twitter, though. If you post anything about it before the big day, that is."

"My manager will probably keep me off my phone until after the concert. They'll end up trying to push that they were the ones who wanted to change my hair."

Junsu grins mischievously. “They can't do that if you post a photo of you washing out your hair, though!"

Jaewon rolled his eyes. "If my manager ever met you, I'd probably get "grounded" or something stupid."

"Breaking news: Jaewon placed on house arrest by his manager? More at seven."

Before they knew it, it was time to wash the bleach out of their hair. Jaewon's hair had turned a peachy blond color on top, but his undercut was stubbornly orange tinted. Junsu's bangs had not fared much better, the bleach turning them a similar orange.

"You're gonna be fine if you just slap the dye on," Junsu groaned, "but I have to bleach this again and probably tone it too. I didn't buy toner, did I?"

"I don't think so."

"Damn. I'll ask Taehyuk to get me some. Let me get more bleach on here and then we can get to the fun part with you."

After applying the final round of chemical-filled product to their hair, Jaewon and Junsu returned to the kitchen to snack more.

"Your hairdye said to wait for 15 minutes to an hour, so we're going the full time."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It'll stain your hair more. Theoretically, at least. I don't know shit about hair dying, I'm a barista," Junsu scoffed, typing away on his phone.

"You're a fun barista though," Jaewon whined.

"I think you mean gay."

"Oh."

Junsu laughed at Jaewon's somewhat shocked expression. "I keep forgetting you aren't gay." He paused, narrowing his eyes at Jaewon. "Wait. Are you? I've never asked, have I."

Jaewon smiled nervously. "I mean... I'm... bi? Does that count?"

"Well, you're here and you're queer, so good enough for me."

The front door swung open, and quickly clicked shut. "Jun, I got your stupid hair thing!"

"I'm in the kitchen," Junsu yelled back.

"Next time please plan ahead when dying your hair, I really never have any clue what to get without you helping me, it-" A man with caramel brown hair froze with his head poking through the kitchen doorway. "Jun, why is there an idol on our kitchen floor?"

Junsu laughed and stood up. "I told you this morning that my friend Jaewon was coming over, didn't I?"

Taehyuk huffed indignantly, staring at Junsu. "I didn't know you meant MAYHEM Jaewon!” He turned to Jaewon next. “I’m guessing no one knows you’re here.”

“Nope.”

“Cool! Well, I’m heading to the gym now. Oh, and Jun? Please make sure that the bathroom’s clean when I get back. Thanks!”

Taehyuk disappears out the front door again, duffle bag slung over his shoulders, and once again it’s just Jaewon and Junsu in the apartment.

“He’s... energetic.”

“Try living with him.”

———

Taehyuk, after returning from the gym with bags of takeout in hand, insists that Jaewon spend the night.

Jaewon doesn’t fight it. He’d rather not go back to the dorm, especially after dying his hair a whole new color. Besides, Junsu’s pulling out bowls to put snacks into and shouting something about movie night and it feels oddly homey in a way MAYHEM’s dorm never does.

Around 6, Junsu and Taehyuk’s roommates come home, both in polished office wear, hair still done up.

“We’re having a movie night! I got takeout, and there’s snacks, so go change! We’ll wait for you guys before starting the movie,” Taehyuk says excitedly.

“Alright. You’ll have to introduce us to your friend as well, Junsu. You two dyed your hair together?” She places a weird emphasis on the word friend, Jaewon notes.

Junsu gives a thumbs up. “Yup. Go change, Chaeyoung.”

If the girls noticed that Jaewon’s an idol, they don’t mention it. They return in pajamas and settle themselves in the overstuffed armchair across from the couch.

At one point, though, a while after the movie’s done, Chaeyoung’s girlfriend, Yuwin, leans across the coffee table towards Jaewon.

“So, Jaewon, are you going to be moving in soon? Or are you three not official yet or anything?”

Jaewon stares back at her, confusion painted on his face. “I- huh?”

Junsu jumps to the rescue. “Jaewon’s just a friend, Yuwin. Not a boyfriend.”

“Oh! Sorry about that, Jaewon!”

“It’s okay!”

It’s a decent night. Sure, takeout stir fry isn’t part of the normal High Class diet (nor is it part of Jaewon’s self imposed diet) but in the tiny living room with pride flags strewn about and easy conversation flowing through the air, it’s easy to forget for a while.

Eventually Yuwin and Chaeyoung turn in for the night, both having work in the morning. Jaewon busies himself with cleaning up the bowls of snacks, and Junsu and Taehyuk pull out the spare mattress onto the floor of their room and cover it with extra blankets and pillows.

Once everyone’s in bed, and the usual shuffling of pillows and rustling of sheets is over with, it’s quiet- save for the hum of cars outside. The moonlight streams through the windows perfectly, and even though he’s in someone else’s apartment on the floor of their bedroom wearing borrowed clothes, Jaewon falls asleep, content for once.

———

Junsu insists on taking him to breakfast the next morning, and they wind up in an American-style diner. Jaewon’s back in his clothes from the day before, a white sweatshirt with a black-lined hood and a denim jacket. Junsu’s wearing what appears to be one of Taehyuk’s hoodies, the pastel purple an unusual shade on him. Neither of them are dressed for the early June heat, but it doesn’t matter much in the heavy air conditioning of the diner.

“Well, let me know what the reaction to your hair is.”

Jaewon groans. “Don’t remind me. We’re supposed to go to the salon today to get root touchups, and I completely forgot until this morning.”

“Good thing they can’t do anything to your hair without risking it falling out,” Junsu comments sarcastically.

“I’m going to get yelled at by someone, mark my words.”

“I’ll bet you one bag of peach rings.”

Jaewon knows he shouldn’t accept the bet, it’s not like he’s going to really ever see Junsu again. But his lips move before his brain can come up with a better answer. “That’s a deal.”

Their food arrives rather quickly, much to Jaewon’s dismay. He already ate junk food the night before, he doesn’t need any more of it so close to a concert.

Junsu clicks his tongue, seemingly annoyed. “Aish, you’re probably on a diet or something, aren’t you.”

“Yeah... pancakes don’t really fit in there, but oh well!” Jaewon laughs, hoping to dissolve the tension.

“Still, I don’t want you to get in trouble or anything. Next time, I’ll try to pick somewhere that works better.”

“You don’t have to do that! I can just take a cheat day today, no one has to know.”

Junsu shrugs. “Fair enough, I guess. If there’s time after we’re done here, we could swing by Coffee Temple or something.”

“Oh, give Nari a peak at my hair?”

“Yeah. She’ll flip.”

“I dunno, I don’t want to be late to the salon thing. Maybe just show a photo?”

Junsu doesn’t respond, instead focused on something else. He’s glaring out the window, his mask tucked under his chin. Finally, he turns back to Jaewon.

“Sorry. Thought I saw a camera or something.”

“Oh- paparazzi, probably. They might have just seen your hair and thought you were an idol,” Jaewon says.

“I could never get used to just... having cameras everywhere around me. Is that what it feels like for you?”

“I mean, sometimes. We don’t have cameras in the dorm, which is why I’m able to sneak out and all.”

Junsu laughs. “By that do you mean walking out the front door?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Sneaking out is fun, sometimes.”

Even if he struggles through his plate of pancakes, breakfast is enjoyable. Jaewon insists on paying, and then they head to the subway.

They’ve got enough time to visit Coffee Temple.

“I don’t have a shift until later today, but there’s not much point in staying at home.”

“Ah. So you’re going to annoy your boss?”

“Yup.”

Junsu sneaks them in the back way, and leaves Jaewon in the storeroom while he runs to grab Nari. The whole back of the store smells like coffee, bags of ground beans and other flavorings stacked around him.

“...why are you bringing me into the storeroom, there’s nothing- oh my god, your hair!”

Nari’s overly enthusiastic, as expected. She insists on pulling Jaewon outside to see the inky color in the sunlight, wowing at the blue tones that show up.

There are customers though, so she pulls them back inside and sits them down at a small table in the back corner of the storefront. After a few minutes, she returns with drinks in hand, setting them down with an exclamation of “they’re on the house!” Junsu groans, more than used to Nari’s antics. Jaewon smiles to himself, the bitter taste of his americano lingering in his mouth.

_I’m going to miss her._

———

Jaewon is nearly an hour late to the salon. MAYHEM need to look their best on stage, and that means root touch-ups before performances. For once, Jaewon’s (hopefully) going to be able to leave the salon without having to get his hair touched by anyone.

He hustles through the front lobby of the high-rise office building, making a beeline for the elevator. His hood and mask are both still pulled up, effectively hiding him from any fans or paparazzi. The hair helps, too.

It’s a short ride to the tenth floor. Nobody else got on the elevator with him, and the music playing is less obnoxious than most “elevator music.” Jaewon sneaks a peak at himself in the elevator mirror. It’s still him, even with inky hair and tired eyes, staring back from the mirror. The ding of the elevator alerts him to the fact that he’s reached his floor, and he pulls his hood up farther before stepping out into the hallway.

The salon MAYHEM frequents is at the end of the main hallway, and he can see someone (his manager, most likely) on their phone. Jaewon hurries toward him, apology prepared for when he inevitably gets scolded for being late.

It never comes, though. His manager simply nods when he spots him, and opens the door to the salon. It’s loud, MAYHEM’s own stylists conversing with the salon employees and other assorted staff from High Class.

“Ah, Wyld! You finally made it!” A smiling hairstylist with lime green hair waves to him, two of Jaewon’s usual stylists glancing up from their conversation as well.

“Sorry I’m late, I got-“

“It doesn’t matter. Come over here, we should get started on your hair. Your roots aren’t that bad, are they?”

Jaewon freeze, one hand reaching towards his hood. “I... don’t think so.”

He pushes back his hood.

For a moment, the conversation halts. It’s silent enough to hear a pin drop.

“Wyld! Your hair!” Suddenly, he’s swarmed by both MAYHEM’s stylists and the hairstylists, quick conversations being held that he can’t fully catch the words to.

He can see the others staring at him, though. They’re all shocked, even Daehyun.

On of the hairstylists- a guy around his age, with half-blonde-half-coffee colored hair- taps his shoulder. “Wyld, sweetie, did you just put this dye on top of your old color?”

“No. I used-“

“Did you just bleach it?”

“I used color remover, then bleach. Why do you ask?”

The hairstylists exchange glances at each other and then to the clock, seemingly communicating. “Well,” the lime-haired one starts, “Since you apparently did this- what, yesterday?- we can’t do much of anything to your hair without the risk of it breaking. Haejun, go get some of the collagen treatments, will you? Follow me, Wyld.”

He’s led over to the chair next to Dongho, and after making sure he’s seated, the lime haired stylist leaves.

“Jaewon, what were you thinking?” Minsoo looks pissed, even with most of his hair sectioned up in folded tinfoil and sticking out in every direction.

“I dunno.” Now really doesn’t seem like the time or place to vent about how he can barely stand looking in a mirror anymore, and he’d rather not say that he got bored or something.

Dongho sighs. “Lay off him, Minsoo. He had the red hair for- what, since debut? Three years, then. We’ve all gotten to change our hair, and he hasn’t. Besides, this color fits better with ours.”

Jaewon hadn’t though about it, but his new hair color- a strange, shifty blue-green-purple-black- does match the others’ hair better. Dongho’s hair is platinum blond, almost white, and Minsoo’s is a peachy ginger shade that the leader absolutely despised until almost a month ago. Dae’s is a maroonish brown, blond highlights throughout. They’re all just a bit off from being a natural shade, but it works somehow.

Half-and-half hair (Jaewon’s pretty sure his name’s Haejun) comes back, multiple bottles in hand. “Since your hair got beat up a bit, I’m gonna to put this collagen treatment on you, okay Wyld?”

“Sounds good to me.”

Daehyun rolls his eyes, and then turns back to his phone. Jaewon pretends not to notice, instead focusing on anything else.

The hairstylist, Haejun, manages to strike up light conversation with him, mostly pertaining to Jaewon’s method of hair dying. Jaewon tries his best to remember the brand names, and yet comes up blank every time. He didn’t exactly study the bottles, and he sure as hell didn’t purchase them. The others don’t need to know that someone else dyed his hair, though.

Across from him, Minsoo frowns. He waits for the stylist to leave before assaulting Jaewon with questions.

“You dyed your hair yesterday. How can you already have forgotten the brands of stuff?”

Jaewon can’t explain that he’s had memory issues for months now. “I- i just forgot, honestly hyung.”

“More like the dye fried your brain,” Daehyung comments sarcastically.

“Honestly, Daehyun. By that logic I don’t have any braincells left. I had to spend nearly seven hours with bleach in my hair, and somehow I’m still a functional human being!”

“Aish, hyung. It was a joke.”

Jaewon choses not to get involved. After all, Minsoo’s the one who takes care of things like arguments. He’s just the cause of most of them.

It’s only once the other three have been dragged off to get the first round of dye washed out of their hair that Jaewon’s manager comes over to talk to him.

“I called the photographers, they’re completely booked. All your photos during the concert are going to be the ones you took last week, when you still had red hair.”

“That’s fine.”

“Okay. Well, do you want to explain yourself now or later?”

Jaewon frowns. “What do you mean, now? Like, just to you?”

“No, you’d go to the CEO as soon as you’re done here. Later would be after the concert.”

“Later, then.”

His manager nods. “Alright. No selfies for the next couple days, then.”

“That won’t be an issue,” Jaewon assures. “Is that everything?”

“I... believe so. You’re still in trouble for this, don’t forget that just because you aren’t getting punished. I’ll leave you to finish with... whatever’s getting done to your hair.”

———

“Okay Jaewon, I want an actual explanation.”

They’ve just gotten home from the salon, and despite it only barely being 2 in the afternoon, Jaewon’s exhausted. His hair’s soft, though, and apparently smells like vanilla now (according to Dongho, who had to sit next to him in the van.)

“Honestly, Minsoo! Just give him a break!”

“He dyed his hair without permission from anyone! That’s an issue, and as the leader I should address it.”

“Oh, you’re pulling out the leader card now?”

“Yes, I am. Come on, Jaewon, let’s sit at the table and chat for a bit.”

Jaewon doesn’t have much of a choice when it comes to Minsoo. So he sits down in his chair, and Minsoo sits across from him.

Daehyun’s already disappeared into their bedroom, and Dongho’s rummaging through the pantry, still annoyed.

Minsoo sighs. “So. You dyed your hair.”

“Yeah.” Jaewon does feel a little guilty. Minsoo takes the whole “leader” role very seriously, and stuff like this, stuff that could upset the stylists or any of the other staff, is a big deal to him.

“Did you ask anyone?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Why not?”

Jaewon falters. “I-i... well, uh, it- I needed a change?”

“I told you so, Minsoo.” Dongho, who’s in the dining area now, sets a sports drink and a protein bar in front of Jaewon.

“It doesn’t matter, though! The stylists chose our hair colors to best suit the concept, and to go behind their backs is-“

“Jaewon’s literally looked like he belongs to another group for the past two comebacks now. Red just doesn’t mesh with the other colors. This, though-“

“Dongho, you’ve made your point. I’m trying to talk to Jaewon at the moment, though.”

Dongho sighs, face rockier than usual. “Fine. Have your little chat, I’ll be in the living room.” He turns to Jaewon, though, and his face softens a bit. “Eat that, please. You look tired.”

“Ah, ok hyung. Thank you!”

“No problem. Don’t let Minsoo get on your nerves too much.”

“Hey, I do not get on people’s nerves!”

Rather reluctantly, Jaewon opens the protein bar. Minsoo continues to bicker with Dongho.

“Aish, where were we.”

“I... needed a change?”

Minsoo snaps his fingers. “Yes, that’s it! It’s simply not fair to the stylists to change your hair on a whim like that. Imagine if I had done that when they made my hair this color, huh?”

“You... wouldn’t do that?”

“That’s besides the point. If I had, then it would have really screwed with the promo photos, and the music video, and the photo cards, and-“

“I get the point, hyung. Sorry about changing my hair color.” Jaewon’s lying between his teeth. He never wants to see himself with red hair again. Just the thought of red makes him feel sick.

“Just... get permission next time, okay? And maybe not... what, three days before our anniversary concert?”

“Yeah. Next time, I’ll keep that in mind.”

Minsoo gives him a grin and heads off to the kitchen. The protein bar’s only half finished. Jaewon feels like he’s going to be sick again.

There’s not going to be a next time.

———

Suddenly it’s the day of the concert and Jaewon has no clue how he even got backstage. He’s already got a headache from the bustle of staff around him, one that won’t be helped by the cheers from the crowd. If anyone notices his sullen mood, they’re not saying anything.

Four hours to the concert. There’s lines outside the ticket booths, and there have been since earlier in the morning. It’s a little intimidating.

Daehyun’s on his phone, probably texting Minyoung. Minsoo’s talking to one of the stage managers, wild gestures proving that he’s a bit pissed about something. Jaewon’s sitting on the couch, Dongho next to him.

His phone buzzes slightly. Dongho’s texting him.

**Dongho-hyung**

Dongho 2:13 pm

you doing alright?

Me 2:14 pm

Yeah, bit of a headache but that’s fine.

Dongho frowns, standing up from the couch to search for someone. Jaewon sighs and sinks back against the couch cushions. He didn’t want to bother anyone. He should have know better than to tell Dongho he’s got a headache.

The older returns quickly, a small bottle clasped in his hand. “I got you advil,” Dongho says, as quietly as he can in the din backstage.

“You really didn’t need to, I-“

“Shh. You have a headache, you need advil. Be sure to drink some water, as well.”

“...Thank you, hyung.”

“No problem.”

Dongho’s nice. Jaewon doesn’t want to know what kind of a state he’ll be in in a few days, once his plan’s all played out.

He loses grasp of time again, and suddenly it’s an hour to showtime. His headache has, if anything, gotten worse, but he’s not going to mention it. He doesn’t want to cause any more trouble for Dongho.

Minsoo gives a very loud cheer from across the room and runs over to where Jaewon and Dongho are sitting.

“We’re getting chicken after the show! What type do you want?”

Dongho nearly rolls his eyes. “Minsoo, you really don’t need to ask. Just get me anything spicy.”

“Alright spice boy. How about you, Jaewon?”

“Uhm... I dunno.”

Minsoo looks up from his phone and frowns at the younger. “Come on, you’ve gotta want something!”

Really, Jaewon doesn’t. He feels sick just thinking about food, and more than likely he’s going to be forced to eat something.

“Just get me whatever, I guess.”

“You don’t like spicy chicken, right?” It’s Dongho asking, waiting patiently for an answer.

_god he’s too nice._

“No, nothing spicy for me. Unless it’s a sauce.”

Minsoo gives a thumbs up before heading over to Daehyun. Dongho turns to stare at Jaewon.

“You’ve eaten something today, right?”

“Uh.... I think so?” Between his spotty memory, and Dongho’s crystal-clear one, it’s better to tell a half truth. Jaewon’s not hungry. Logically, he has to have eaten, even if he has no memory of it.

“Aish. I know you ate breakfast, but that was a while ago. Did you have lunch?”

“I... can’t remember. Sorry, hyung.”

Dongho waves a hand, the other digging in his bag. “Don’t apologize, we were busy with soundcheck and all that stuff. Just eat this, okay?”

Jaewon’s handed a protein bar. Again.

———

The hum of conversation from the crowd is still audible backstage. It’s nerve wracking to know that the show’s sold out, every seat filled.

Jaewon’s not sure if he should be terrified or not. How many of them hate him? Are they going to yell anything at him during the show?

Someone squeezes his hand. Dongho. “You looked kinda shaky. Don’t worry about the crowd, you’re gonna do great.”

“Thanks.”

The lights dim and a cheer rises up from the crowd.

Jaewon’s head pounds, even more so with the music playing through his in-ears. One last show.

All four of them hurry on stage, just in time for the lights to flick on, beaming straight at them.

The screams of the crowd send adrenaline through their veins as they launch into the first song of the night.

———

“Good evening, Mayniacs!” There’s a resounding cheer from the crowd. Daehyun smiles, and continues his short speech. “Thank you for three great years! I know some of you are newer fans, and some of you have been here from the beginning. Either way, thank you!”

Minsoo’s already gone, passing the mic to Daehyun, who now passes the mic to Dongho.

“Hello everyone!” Once again, a resounding cheer. “Thank you for coming! I hope you’ve enjoyed this evening with us. I know I have.”

The crowd’s sent into an uproar, screams and cheers still hanging in the air when Jaewon’s handed the mic.

He waits for a bit, lets the noise die back down. Finally, he raises the mic.

“Hi everybody!” To his surprise, there’s a loud cheer in response. “Oh- I wasn’t expecting that much cheering, but thank you, everyone! Thank you for three years.” _I don’t know if I’ll miss this._

The mic’s taken from him and handed back to Minsoo. “Well, you all know what tonight is, right?” He pauses, letting the crowd cheer. “It’s our third anniversary!”

Jaewon’s head still hurts. Minsoo’s saying something more, but he doesn’t quite hear it. He doesn’t mind, though.

Before he knows it, they’re being pulled together for a group photo, a cake balanced in Daehyun’s hands. Jaewon manages to slip to the side under the guise of grabbing his water, and it takes a minute or two - plenty of photos of the three of them - for Dongho to notice and drag Jaewon back over to at least get one group photo.

It’s the same as most concerts. The fans cheer, you pretend like it’s the end, the lights turning off and everything, and then surprise them with an encore. MAYHEM’s third anniversary is no different.

Jaewon’s head still pounds as they make their way to their spots in the dark.

_three more songs._

The cheering’s even louder when the music kicks in.

———

The light from the cars outside MAYHEM’s van are too bright. Jaewon squints, his head still pounding.

It’s the same routine as with every concert. They finish their last song, head backstage, change into their normal clothes, and get shuttled to a hotel for the night.

Apparently it’s for safety reasons. They can’t get stalkers following them to their dorm if they never go to the dorm.

“Jaewon, are you ok?”

It’s Dongho. Of course it’s Dongho.

“My head hurts a bit still, but other than that I’m fine.”

“Still? You had a headache before going on stage, did the advil not help?”

Jaewon fidgets a bit. “No... not really.”

Minsoo pokes his head over the row of seats. “You’ve got a headache?”

“He’s had once since before the show started,” Dongho explains. “I got him some advil, but it didn’t work, I guess.”

“Aish. You performed great, Jaewon! Do you still have any advil on you?”

“Yeah, Dongho-hyung gave me the bottle.”

“Take some right now. We’re gonna do a live at the hotel once the chicken gets there!”

And oh, doesn’t that lift Jaewon’s spirits. He takes two advils and leans back against the cushioned seat of the van. Maybe he can catch some rest before getting to the hotel, if he’s lucky.

Dongho grabs his arm, though, and gently pulls him to rest against his shoulder. Jaewon’s too tired to fight it. After all, Dongho’s warm and he smells nice, like expensive cologne and hazelnut coffee and ever-so-slightly of the vanilla scented laundry detergent Jaewon usually uses for himself.

It’s nothing like being at home- Jaewon hasn’t felt like he’s home in years- but it’s close.

Maybe it makes it just a little bit easier to doze off.

———

It’s loud and smells like chicken and everyone’s excited except for Jaewon. The livestream’s in full swing, a number of fans tuning in to watch.

They’re in Minsoo’s room, sitting on the second bed that’s pushed against the wall. Minsoo and Daehyun are joking around, Dongho watching in amusement and adding his own sarcastic comments every one in a while. Jaewon sits to the side, slowly eating a piece of fried chicken.

He doesn’t want to eat anything, but it keeps him from having to get involved in the conversation, and it keeps Dongho from asking too many questions and it keeps the fans from asking why he’s not involved in the joking.

His head still hurts.

Minsoo’s started scrolling through the comments, occasionally asking questions of the others. Inevitably, he’ll have to ask Jaewon something. Jaewon’s not sure if he’ll be able to talk, the drone of his voice only making his headache worse.

“Ooh, here’s a question for Jaewon! Someone wants to know why you dyed your hair!”

“Ah, the hair.” Jaewon ruffles his hair, messing it up even more. “I just needed a change, honestly.”

“Aish, you sound tired!” Minsoo laughs a bit, messy peach hair flung out of his face. “Jaewon-ah fell asleep in the van on the way here, I think he’s still sleepy.”

Daehyun takes a sip of his drink. “He and Dongho-hyung were cuddling or something. They’ve been pretty close recently.”

Dongho shoots a death glare at the maknae. “What is this, exposing your hyungs?”

Minsoo just has to pipe up and add to the drama. “He’s right, though. You’ve been sitting with him on car rides and giving him food-“

Jaewon tugs the sleeves of his jacket over his hands, hopefully avoiding any drama about his weight.

“-and you were hanging out with him before the concert, as well!”

Dongho sighs, burying his face in his hands. Daehyun takes that as a sign of defeat from the older, and moves on to stage two of his teasing.

“Alright, Minsoo, you should switch places with Dongho, he probably wants to sit next to Jaewon.”

“Dae, I seriously hope you’re joking.”

“Come on, hyung! Don’t you want to sit with your crush?”

Minsoo grins, a rather mischievous smile playing on his face. “Oh, well in that case I should definitely move! Here, Dae, if you shift over a bit-“

They’re just teasing, Jaewon knows that. He also knows that there’s going to be a lot of tweets about him and Dongho in the morning. Maybe if his head didn’t hurt _or if I wasn’t such a coward_ he’d say something. He doesn’t want the older’s reputation to suffer.

Dongho moves over to sit next to Jaewon, bringing his chicken with him, and immediately whispers a question to Jaewon.

“Does your head still hurt?”

Jaewon nods, the small movement enough to send jolts of pain through his head. After a moment’s hesitation, Dongho pulls him to rest his head on his shoulder.

Minsoo and Daehyun cheer, something about Dongho finally “manning up,” but thankfully the sound is somewhat muted, one of Jaewon’s ears pressed against Dongho’s shoulder. He can smell Dongho’s cologne again, too. It’s nice.

The live continues for a while longer, Minsoo continuing to scroll through comments, Jaewon continuing to slowly eat his chicken to avoid talking.

He can’t deal with it much longer, though. His head hurts, and he feels sick.

“Please excuse me,” Jaewon says softly, rolling off the bed to leave.

Dongho follows him, a gentle arm wrapped around his shoulders once they reach the hallway. “Head bugging you too much?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Jaewon. Come on, you should really get to bed.”

It’s quiet in the hotel hallway, nobody around to watch Dongho lead Jaewon to his room. They’ve got connected rooms, so Jaewon gets pulled into the older’s room first, Dongho fidgeting with the lock on the connecting door.

“I don’t think you can take any more advil at this point,” Dongho says quietly. “You’ve been drinking enough water though, right?”

“Yeah. Finished two bottles after the concert,” Jaewon mutters. Dongho’s pulled him through the now-open connecting door into the quiet dark of his hotel room.

Dongho ruffles his hair, guiding him to his bed. “Good. You ate a lot as well, Jaewon. I’m proud of you.”

Jaewon sits on the bed carefully, Dongho sitting next to him. It only takes a moment for Jaewon to rest his head against Dongho’s shoulder again. The older mutters something quietly, Jaewon’s head swimming far too much for him to catch it.

For a few minutes, Dongho plays with his hair, the soft pressure of his fingers against Jaewon’s scalp oddly soothing. Jaewon’s eyes are closed, but eventually he feels his body being shifted to lay down. The sheets on the bed are cool against his skin, soft cotton rubbing against his cheek.

“I’ll be back in a little bit to check on you, okay? After that, I’ll be next door if you need anything.”

“Thank you, hyung.”

The door shuts softly, and even though he knows the light will only make his headache worse, Jaewon whips out his phone, opening VLive.

Minsoo and Daehyun are talking to each other about some mobile game when Dongho returns.

“Is Jaewon okay?”

“Yeah, he’s got a bit of a headache. He’s really tired, too.” Dongho chooses his words carefully, trying to make sure it doesn’t sound too serious.

“Aw. He’s asleep?”

“Yeah, he knocked out pretty quickly.”

It’s convincing enough for Minsoo to nod understandingly and turn to the camera. “I guess we’ll be continuing as just the three of us for now. Hopefully Jaewon’s feeling better next time!”

Satisfied that no one’s too worried, Jaewon clicks his phone off and manages to place it on the bedside table.

_they’ll do just fine without me._

He can’t sleep. His head still pounds, and he considers taking more advil. He’s too tired to get off the bed, though.

So he lays in the dark, gentle moonlight brushing through the curtains. If time passes, he doesn’t really notice.

Eventually Jaewon can hear footsteps in the room next door, and before he can consider feigning sleep, Dongho’s pushing the door open.

“Jaewon? You still awake?”

“Mmhm.”

“Your head’s still bugging you, huh?”

The bed sinks when Dongho sits down on the edge of the mattress.

“One of the managers told me to give this to you, I guess it’s stronger than advil or something. Do you think you can sit up to take it?”

Jaewon nods, wincing at the flash of pain that radiates through his head afterwards. There’s a gentle hand at his elbow, and Dongho helps him to sit up.

He’s handed a water bottle, and the medicine capsule’s pressed into his hand. As usual, he grimaces after swallowing the capsule.

“That’s supposed to start working in ten minutes or so. I’m going to let you sleep now, okay Jaewon?”

Jaewon doesn’t know why he does it, but he grabs Dongho’s sleeve before the older can stand up. “Please stay.”

It’s just going to hurt Dongho more in the end if they get closer. There’s no way of avoiding it. He half-hopes that the older will say no, refuse to stay, but Dongho’s too kind to do that.

He sighs. “Let me go change into pajamas, ok? I’ll be back really quickly.”

Dongho slips through the connecting door and, true to his word, returns quickly, something clutched under one arm.

“Come on, I don’t think that jacket’s too comfortable.” Gently, he slides Jaewon’s jacket off the younger’s shoulders.

Jaewon shivers for a second. The air conditioning is on full blast, and his tshirt doesn’t do much to keep him warm.

“Put your arms up real quick.”

He’s too tired to question it. Still, Jaewon’s pleasantly surprised when Dongho slips one of his hoodies on over his head. It’s soft and warm and smells nice.

“You’re warm enough now?”

He glances up at Dongho and nods.

“Good. Now come on, it’s late. We should really go to sleep.”

It’s a bit of a blur, but Jaewon winds up under the covers, his head resting on Dongho’s shoulder again. He can feel Dongho playing with his hair again, his headache slowly fading when the medicine kicks in.

Really, he wishes he was by himself. The less people are connected to him, the better. But it’s so nice not to be lonely for once, to have someone play with his hair and make the huge bed seem smaller.

It’s because of guilt that he takes a while to fall asleep.

———

It’s three days after the concert when Jaewon decides to put his plan into action.

The moment he walks into the living room, though, Minsoo glances up from his seat on the couch. "You headed somewhere, Jaewon?"

Jaewon nods, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "Yeah... the CEO wants to talk with me."

"Probably because of the hairdye," Daehyun mutters.

Minsoo elbows the younger. "You'll be back soon though, right? Dongho offered to pay for dinner."

Jaewon froze, fingers shaking as he tugs at the back of his hair. _Just act natural, don't seem off._ "I dunno. He might make me go get my hair fixed after the meeting. Don't worry about getting me anything, Dongho, I'll grab something on my way back from the company."

"Let me know when you've got something, then. You aren't eating enough." Dongho runs a hand through his hair before glaring at Jaewon from across the room. "You're gonna let me know when you've got food?"

"Yes, hyung. Can I go now, or-"

Minsoo waves a hand. "I don't think you should be late, so yes! Go!"

Jaewon nods, smiles somewhat awkwardly at Dongho and Minsoo (Daehyun still won't look him in the eye) and turns to tug on his shoes.

_I'm sorry_.

His footsteps echoed in the empty hallway outside Mayhem's apartment, the door clicking shut behind him. The black backpack he always carries is slung over his shoulder, letters and small packages shoved in the bottom.

As Jaewon steps out onto the street and hails a taxi, he tugs up his hood and mask, hiding in the bustle of the city. His destination's been decided for days now: the same hotel he's always sent to for fake scandals, a last ironic move of defiance. He relays the address to the driver smoothly, and settles back in the seat.

Throughout the drive, he goes through the folder he created within the last week. It’s filled with photos and videos, each hand-picked for the memories behind them, the ones that kept him going for so long. The video his mom took the day he was accepted into a company, the first selfie he took with the others at an arcade of some sort, a picture of the four of them at a hair salon getting ready for debut. Captions had been written too, most of them short and only including the date the photo was taken.

There’s a few he likes quite a bit. One is the selfie MAYHEM took together backstage after their debut, all four of them tired and sweaty and a little more than just tired but they look happy. Another’s a photo from when they were closer. They went to pride, masks on and hair hidden and for one afternoon they got to be free. The photo’s of him holding a flag, one that Minsoo bought him, and his smile’s hidden but his eyes are lit up.

The last one’s a video that Junsu took. He hadn’t seen his hair yet, and was facing the camera, still blowdrying the now-inky hair. Then he turns, and looks in the mirror, and the moment he does, his facial expression changes to one of relief.

Jaewon decided to make an instagram, one to put his happiest memories on, to leave something good to be remembered by. It's the final post he struggled with.

His note. A farewell to his fans, to his friends, to everyone who ever cared about him, and even to those who hated him. One that will put the truth out, exposing the company for the lies he had been buried in.

The words came easily to him, and yet he couldn't write them, still too jumbled in his brain. The memories all blur together- or, at least what he can remember.

He struggles to write it for the entire ride. Eventually, the taxi stops in front of the hotel, a shining tall structure made of glass and metal. Jaewon turns off his phone and emerges from the back seat, already reaching for wallet to pay the driver. He’s got exactly enough. $57 dollars in cash. The driver smiles at him, and they part ways.

The front desk of the hotel is his next destination.

“Can I get a name?”

“Ahn? Jaewon?” He didn’t bother using a different name when booking the room. It’s not like anyone will realize what’s going on before it’s too late.

“Here you are! Room 723. Elevators are to your left.”

Jaewon does his best to smile, even with a mask on, and ducks into the first open elevator.

It’s a slow ride to the 8th floor, and the elevator stops twice along the way. Jaewon just keeps his head down, pretending to be scrolling through twitter.

Finally he steps off. The hallways are empty, and the signs on the walls directing him to his room lead him pretty far away from the elevators.

Room 723. Jaewon clicks open the door, and late afternoon sunshine is still streaming through the windows. It’s beautiful, and Jaewon’s tired, so tired.

He locks the door and drops his bag in the armchair in the corner, toeing off his shoes before flopping onto the bed, pushing pillows and blankets around so that he can curl up in the patch of sunlight shining right on the bed.

The mattress is soft, and the sun, although weaker that he’d like, warms him. He’s practically drowning in the soft fabric of his hoodie. It’s comfortable.

_I can sleep for a bit._

———

He wakes up to the sunset, pinks and golds and purples illuminating the sky.

The sunset really is pretty. Jaewon can’t focus on it, though. He’s nervous, to the point that he’s considered calling Dongho and spilling everything, maybe even asking the older to come get him. It’d be a shame if he were to back out now though, he knows he worked hard to get here.

His phone’s buzzing from the front pocket of his backpack. He ignores it, though, and pulls the nest of pillows and blankets around him tighter.

He wants to watch the sunset, just one last time.

———

There’s a note on Jaewon’s phone that he’s filled over the last week. It’s all the justifications he can think of for his plan.

He’s not important to MAYHEM. After all, the others all have lead and main positions, he’s just a sub-rapper, a sub-vocalist. The title of “visual” was only given to him after his first scandal, anyway. He’s, unfortunately, the face of the group. He doesn’t want to pull down the others anymore with his reputation.

He’s got memory issues. They’re only getting worse, and from what he’s read, it seems likely that they’re either a trauma response or a symptom of depression. Neither are good. Who wants an idol who can’t remember choreography, who’s probably been forced to face so much shit that his brain can’t handle it anymore?

He’s underweight, and it’s entirely his own doing. Dongho was right, and oh does he feel guilty for being upset with the older for leaving snacks in his bag, for handing him protein bars backstage, for trying to get him to understand that this isn’t good for him. Jaewon’s written an extensive apology in his note to Dongho. It’ll never really make up for anything, though.

Really, it’s easy to convince himself that there’s no point in staying. He’s a mess, after all. Even if the scandals stop, his issues won’t just magically disappear. He’ll have to fight to get better.

Jaewon stopped fighting a long time ago. His note makes that more than clear.

———

His wrists hurt. Holding his phone is a struggle, and yet he pushes on, aches soon to be muddled by the painkillers he took.

Jaewon's final post pops up, fully uploaded. After that, it's just a matter of making his account public, and linking to his Instagram in a final tweet.

He feels like he should be upset about something, and yet he's perfectly calm as he types.

**Thank you for three years. I'm sorry that I can't stay for longer. All I ask is that you remember me for who I really am, not who I’ve been forced to be.**

The tweet sends slowly, Jaewon's phone still connected to the hotel wifi. Once it finally posts, however, he switches his phone to Do Not Disturb, and loads up one of his playlists.

It's not the happiest one he has, but it's not exactly sad, either. It fits perfectly, he thinks, looking around the darkened hotel bathroom, his backpack still slumped over against the wall, the water of the bathtub sloshing slightly as he shifts to a more comfortable position, head leaning on his balled up sweatshirt against the edge of the tub. Maybe he should be sad.

Jaewon stayed there for what seemed like only a moment, but four songs have played through, echoing around the bathroom, and his head feels like it's stuffed with cotton. Despite the warmth of the water that he could feel mere minutes ago, he shivers, arms numb to the temperature.

He struggles to open his phone, to dial 119. The line rings for a few moments before an operator picks up.

"Hello, 119, what is your emergency." It's a sweet-sounding guy, his voice similar to Daehyun's- when he isn't angry or annoyed, that is.

"I- i need to report a... a suicide." God, he can't think straight. His words feel fake, jumbled, and his eyes are struggling to stay open.

"Do you know who the victim is?"

Before he can remember that the operator can't see him, Jaewon nods and then clears his throat, realizing his mistake. "Yeah. It's me."

"Oh. Alright sir, can you tell me your location?"

Jaewon frowns. "It's a hotel. On 36th street? The tall one with... big windows. Room 723." He yawns, eyes blinking shut.

"Stay with me for a bit longer, okay? Can you tell me your name?"

"Jaewon. Ahn Jaewon. What’s your name?

"I'm afraid I can't tell you at the moment, but thank you, Jaewon. We've got emergency services on the way, so just hold on-"

_they're gonna bring me back._

"Don't bring me back. Please don't."

"I-"

Before the operator can answer, Jaewon hangs up. His music starts playing again, echoing slightly in the tiled bathroom, and he lets himself relax, eyes finally shutting. He can feel the water lapping at his skin, soaked clothing clinging to his body.

Nothing hurts. For once, he isn't in pain. Despite the shivers racking his body, and the porcelain pressing against his back, he feels peaceful.

It's all too easy for Jaewon to drift off to sleep, a gentle dark taking over his thoughts.

_i’m tired._

_i’ll just go to sleep now._

When his eyes open again, all he can see is the crisp white ceiling of a hospital room.

Jaewon screams.

**Author's Note:**

> heehee
> 
> was that enough angst


End file.
